More Than a Mommy

A Mother's Day reminder that we are complex people

Photo by Rochelle Brown on Unsplash

Not long ago, my 4-year-old son pointed to my chest and asked, “What are those?”

Don’t make it weird, I thought. It’s just anatomy. “Those are breasts,” I replied calmly. “All women have them.”

He paused and considered this, assessing me with his enormous brown eyes. “You’re not a ‘women,’” he said. “You’re just a regular Mommy.”

Point taken. I am proud to be his Mommy; it’s by far my favorite job. But I never want the rest of the world to see me as “just” a mom.

This winter I applied for a new job, and my husband, in an attempt to be supportive, said it must remind me of my days as a reporter, before I became a wife and a mother.

Before? As if my writing life is in past? I never got that memo.

Don’t let our culture fool you: becoming a mother is a big f-ing deal. It changes everything about your personal, physical, emotional and financial life. Yet I am still all the other things, too: a woman, a journalist, a friend, an angst-ridden Gen-Xer, a person who is ambitious, intelligent, loving and stressed-out much of the time. Why do some men—and much of society—want us to fit in only one or two of those boxes?

This is why books like All Fours are so popular right now.

Miranda July

’s novel tells the story of an artist who temporarily leaves her husband and young child, moves into a hotel room, and discovers an entirely different life. It’s not that she’s dying to have an affair (although that does occur). It’s more that she’s tired of being constrained by the everyday concerns of packing lunches, cleaning floors, and having scheduled sex with her husband. She’s ready to nurture her own needs and desires.*

If this strikes you as selfish, you’re not alone. Women are made to feel selfish when they stop taking care of others—even for a few hours—and start focusing on themselves. This goes double for moms. As my friend Kellyn put it: “There is dirt and blood under our hands trying to hold onto ourselves.”

So that is my wish for you this Mother’s Day: hold onto yourself. Think about what you need, want and desire. Don’t stifle the inconvenient thoughts. Listen for a moment, and see where they lead.

*The book is also about birth trauma. I highly recommend it.